Kyle Who?
by Fanficaddict12
Summary: After a football accident, Kyle suffers from amnesia. Now Stan and Kenny have to stop Cartman from using this to his advantage. Contains strong language. From the creator of "Rated PC for Parental Control." Very long one - shot.


I made this for both deviantART and Fanfiction. It's a one – shot, but it's long. READ!!

-

During recess in South Park Elementary, Stan, Kyle, and Kenny and a few other boys were playing football. For some reason Cartman was not there. Suddenly Cartman came dashing toward the boys, hiding something behind his back.

"Guys!" he said, "Look what I made!" Cartman revealed that the thing he was hiding behind is back was a stone chiseled to look like a football. "Isn't it awesome?"

"It's a stone, Cartman. You didn't make it." Kyle responded.

Cartman just took a long pause, looking as though taking a deep breath. He sighed and said, "No asshole, it's a football. I chiseled it. Come on, let's play!"

"Why would we want a dangerously hard stone when we have a normal football right here?"

Cartman just sighed again, pinching his forehead. "Kyle, for the last time it's a football. It was originally a stone, but now I made it into a football. You wouldn't know that because Jews can't chisel. And plus doing it this way is more fun and extreme!"

"We're not using your football Cartman," Stan said, "you playing or not?"

"Alright, fine! But when you want a more challenging game don't come crying to me."

Cartman joined the game and the boys continued playing. Eventually in the game Cartman caught the ball. He quickly stopped looked around, and when nobody was looking, switched the footballs.

"Come on, fatass! I'm open!" Kyle screamed, ready to catch the ball.

Cartman threw the ball to Kyle, but he was caught off guard when he found out it was the stone football. He lost his concentration and was hit in the forehead with the football, knocking him unconscious."

"Holy shit!" Kenny screamed under his zipped up coat.

"KYLE!" Stan screamed.

All the boys gathered around Kyle. Kyle was brought to the hospital moments later, and after school, the three boys joined Kyle's parents by his side in the "Hell's Pass Hospital."

"Doctor, is he ok?" Shelia Broflovski asked in fear.

"Ma'am I'm afraid your son is in a comma, caused by this football that boy over there made," the doctor said, taking out the stone football

"But it's a stone. He didn't make it." the nurse next to him corrected.

"No, it's WAS a stone, now it's a football. You see he –"

"Look, does it really matter right now? Is Kyle gonna be ok?" Stan asked.

"It's hard to tell. The best we can do for now is pray."

He and the nurse walked away, and Shelia was still sulking.

"Gerald, what if he doesn't come out?" she said.

"He'll get out, he just has to..." Gerald Broflovski said, sounding unsure.

"This is all your fault fatass!" Stan said.

"Me? It wasn't my fault that Kyle can't catch for shit!" Cartman shot back.

"It's because you just had to switch those footballs! Nobody even care about a stone football!"

"Wha – Bu – And – Why don't you study with your girlfriend or something you turd!"

"Boys, arguing won't solve anything! It doesn't matter whose fault it was. All that matters is that we help Kyle!" Gerald said.

Two days. That's how long it took for Kyle to wake up from his comma. When he started to awake, his parents and the boys were pleased. Kyle woke up, seeming confused.

"What...Where am I?" he asked.

"You're at the hospital after your football accident," Shelia explained.

"Football accident?"

"Yeah, don't you remember? We were playing football and Cartman threw is stupid stone football at you." Stan explained.

"It's not stupid it's a work of art!" Cartman exclaimed.

Kyle stilled looked confused. "Who's Cartman?"

Cartman looked a little insulted. "I'm Cartman. You know who I am you stupid Jew!"

"I'm a Jew? Wait....WHO am I?"

Shelia looked stunned. "Oh dear! I think he has amnesia!"

"Oh crap," Kenny mumbled.

Kyle was taken back home from Hell's Pass, and his parents tried to make him remember things.

"Alright Kyle, this is your home. Do you remember anything about it?" Shelia asked.

Kyle still looked confused. "No, I don't.'

On that note, Ike stepped into the room. Gerald went over and stood next to him. "Kyle, this is your adopted brother Ike. He's a Canadian." He said.

"Oh, ok. Hi Ike."

Ike just stood there and smiled. "You owe me five bucks," he said, trying to manipulate Kyle.

Shelia brought Kyle up to his bed and let him rest. After she left the room the three boys came in.

"Uh, hey Kyle. Remember us?" Stan asked.

"You're the three boys from the hospital, right?" Kyle responded.

"Yeah. I'm Stan Marsh, that's Kenny McCormick, and that's Eric Cartman. We're you're friends."

Shelia came in an interrupted. "You boys should leave Kyle alone for now. Some rest will do his memory some good."

"Bye you guys," Kyle said as they left the room.

The next day as Stan and Kenny were walking to Kyle's house, Cartman ran up in front of them, holding a floppy disk in his hands in his hands.

"Come on you guys, Kyle needs us right now!" Cartman said.

Stan and Kenny were both a little suspicious. "What's stored in the floppy disk Cartman?" Stan asked.

"What, this old thing? It's just a little Flash animation I made. Nothin much, it'll just remind Kyle of our little, you know, agreement."

Now they knew something was up. "What agreement?" Kenny mumbled.

Cartman sighed. "Fine, if your gonna be interrogating me about it I might as well show you."

They went over to Cartman's house and he brought up the Flash animation he was talking about. It was crudely drawn. It showed a badly drawn Kyle just walking along, whistling, obviously voiced by Cartman, when suddenly he falls off a cliff, screaming. He looked doomed when suddenly a muscular, heroic version of Cartman swoops down and saves Kyle, bringing him to a nearby ledge.

"Wow, you saved me! And you're totally not fat! How can I ever thank you?" said the Cartman - voiced Kyle.

"Well, you could be my slave for the rest of my life, just like when your people were in the Holocaust." said the hero like Cartman.

"Sure, no problem!"

The Flash animation ended. "Well guys, what do you think?" Cartman said.

"...That was the biggest load of crap I've ever seen." Stan said. "Nobody would buy that!"

"Whatever. Now if you'll excuse me I'm going to show this to Kyle."

Cartman slid off his chair and began to walk out the door until Stan and Kenny blocked him.

"You're not going to manipulate Kyle, Cartman." Stan said.

"Hey, you were the one who said nobody would buy it!"

"Still, I won't let you try and use Kyle when he's most venerable."

"You can't stop me you guys! I will find a way into Kyle's house!"

After their fight, Stan and Kenny went up to Kyle's room, where Kyle was still in bed.

"Hey Kyle, any memories come back to you yet?" Stan asked.

"Nope, sorry." Kyle responded. "Hey, where's that Cartman kid?"

"You mean that fat turd? He's trying to -"

Stan was interrupted by a thud heard under Kyle's opened window. Kenny went over to investigate, and saw Cartman climbing up a ladder. After Cartman got all the way to the top, he saw Kenny.

"Oh god dammit." he muttered to himself.

In an act of impulse, Kenny pushed the ladder, making Cartman fall. Cartman jumped off the ladder and fell into the snow.

"OW!" he screamed. He got up and shouted, "That fucking hurt Kenny! How would you like it if we started killing you again?"

Later that week, Kyle was still in bed, and Stan, Kenny and Butters were around him.

"Kyle, to help you feel better, I made you this picture," Butters said, handing Kyle a "Get Well" picture."

"Thanks, uh, Butters right?" Kyle said.

"Butters, Kyle isn't sick, he just had amnesia. He's just resting." Stan said.

"Oh, ok."

Just after that, Jimmy walked into the room.

"Well h – hey there fellas. H – how goes it?" he said.

"Who are you?"

"My name is J – j – jimmy. I heard about your amnesia, and I feel v – very sorry."

"Oh, well thanks Jimmy."

Jimmy walked over to Kyle's bedside. "After a while, I thought I could ch - cheer you up by using some of my old comedy material, seeing as though you don't re - remember them. You like fishsticks Kyle?"

The doorbell rang. Stan and Kenny insisted they get it, since they figured it was Cartman. They opened the door and saw Cartman wearing a fake moustache and a sombrero.

"Hello there. My name is George, and I am a Mexican," Cartman said in a Mexican accent.

"Oh really?" Stan said in an angered tone.

"Si. I no the best way to cure amnesia, and after hearing of this Kyle person, I wished to help him."

"Come on Cartman, we know it's you.!"

"Who is this Cartman?"

Stan was about to respond, when another, normal looking Cartman came over. "Hey you guys, you gonna let me in yet?" he asked. He looked over to George. "Who's the Mexican?"

Stan was a little confused. "Uh...come on in George."

George was almost in the door. "Wait." Kenny mumbled. He went over to the normal Cartman and removed his mask, revealing him to be Tweek.

"God dammit." Cartman muttered to himself.

"GAH! I knew this wouldn't work!" Tweek said, running away.

Stan pushed Cartman out. "You're not getting in fatass!"

"Up yours Stan! I will get in! Just you wait!" Cartman said.

After Cartman left, Kyle came down laughing. "You guys have got to hear this fishsticks joke. It's hilarious!" he said.

Later that week, Cartman thought up the ultimate plan. He walked over to the nearest gun store by his house, went in a searched behind the counter for the best gun

"Oh, I'll take that one!" Cartman said, pointing to an average looking gun.

The clerk looked worried. "Uh, young man, aren't you a little young to be buying a gun?" he asked.

"...Yes. Yes I am."

"...Honesty. I like it! Here you are, little boy."

"Sweet. Now then Stan and Kenny, let's see you try and stop me now."

The doorbell rang at Kyle's house. Once again Stan and Kenny answered, and were caught off guard to see Cartman there with a gun.

"Holy crap, Cartman's gone crazy!" Kenny shouted under his jacket.

"That's right you guys, I got a gun. So you better stay out of my way unless you wanna get shot." Cartman said, his finger on the trigger.

"Y – you wouldn't really kill us Cartman, would you?" Stan said in fear.

"Try me Stan. Try me."

Kenny stepped up to try and steal the gun, but Cartman shot him before he got the chance.

"Oh my god! You killed Kenny! You bastard!" Stan shouted.

"You know, the ironic thing is that early this week I said to him – Look, whatever! Just let me see Kyle!"

In Kyle's room, Kyle was on his computer, and Cartman came in with the floppy disk and gun in his hand.

"Oh good, you're on the computer!" he said. "Here, watch what's on this."

He gave Kyle the floppy disk and Kyle watched its contents. He looked pretty confused through the whole thing.

"Well Kyle?"

"...That was the biggest load of crap I've ever seen." Kyle said.

" What...But...Come on you owe me!!"

"I don't owe you anything. That's what Stan and Kenny said."

"What? What did those assholes say?"

"They said that you're a huge turd who is always making fun of my religion, doing retarded things and I shouldn't listen to a word you say and you should go fuck off."

"...Ouch. Well fine!" Cartman throws his gun at Kyle's head, causing him a lot of pain. "I didn't need this crap! I'm out.!"

As Cartman started to leave, Stan and Kyle's parents came in.

"What's going on in here?" Gerald asked.

"Nothing. I was just getting out of here. I'm done with this." Cartman said.

"Ow..." Kyle said, rubbing his forehead, "Cartman! That hurt you fatass!"

Cartman turned around, and he and the others were stunned.

"What did you just call me?"

"I called you a fatass, like I always do!"

"Kyle! You got your memory back!" Shelia cheered. She and Gerald came over and hugged Kyle.

"Yeah, I guess when Cartman hit me in the head with that gun my memory came back."

Shelia was stunned. "WHA – WHA – WHAT!?"

The citizens of South Park held an emergency town meeting. Everyone was shouting in outrage. Mayor McDaniels tried to settle them down.

"Ok, ok, calm down. Now, as we all know, young Eric Cartman hit Kyle Brovloski with a stone football, giving him amnesia. Then, Eric used a gun to get to Kyle's room, killing young Kenny McCormick in the process. Now then, I think we all what needs to be said. Eric Cartman, the young boy, did not make the stone."

Kyle looked a little pissed. "What?" he said.

"No, it's a football, he chiseled it." Randy Marsh said.

"No, he didn't make it. The stone was made by the Earth." Stuart McCormick said.

"It was a stone, but then he transformed it into a football, so now it's a football he made."

"No, no matter what you shape it into, it's still a stone, so he didn't make it."

The three slide off their chairs and started to leave. "Ok, just listen to me here,"

The boys could no longer hear Randy as they walked out of the parking lot.

"I can't believe we got let off of having a weapon. Again." Stan said.

"Well of course, that's how I planned it." Cartman said.

Stan and Kyle both stopped and faced Cartman. "What?" Kyle said.

"That's right Kyle, I planned this whole thing."

"You mean, YOU planned me getting amnesia?"

"Yup."

"YOU planned all the tricks and buying the gun?"

"Yup."

"You planned killing Kenny?"

"Eh, more or less."

"And YOU planned that the town would argue about your stone football?"

"That was the whole plan."

"...WHAT!?" Stan exclaimed.

"You're telling me you planned all of this from Day 1 _just _so people could clear up if you made the stone football or not!?" Kyle exclaimed.

"Yes Kyle, because you pissed me off so much!" Cartman said just before leaving.

"...Dude this is fucked up." Stan said.

The following school day, Stan and Kyle were playing kickball with the other boys, but Cartman was, once again, nowhere in sight. Suddenly Cartman came dashing toward the boys, hiding something behind his back.

"Guys!" he said, "Look what I made!" Cartman held up a stone kickball that he was hiding.

Stan and Kyle looked angry, looking at each other from the corner of their eye. Kyle took out Cartman's stone football and threw it at him with all his might, knocking him unconscious.

-

Oh my god, this took me ALL day to make. LOVE IT!! Lol.


End file.
